Happy Anniversary, Mark!
Three years ago today I married the man, the myth, the legend, and my best friend, Mr. Mark T. Slattery.
In honor of this occasion, I have for you, dear reader, seven key plays from the famed Mark Slattery’s Playbook for How to Score a Wife. It details all you need to know to land (and keep) the girl (or boy) you’ve got your eye on. These plays were proven effective beginning in the 2004 season and continue to make Mark a winner in the game of love.
Chimney Sweep Right
Meet your lady on a rooftop, or somewhere else that sounds equally as romantic. You can disregard the undesirable details in your future retellings, like it was a fraternity’s rooftop with Miller High Life as the choice beverage. What’s important is location, location, location.
Run and Shoot Offense
Spend hours chatting at length about all topics, including subjects you have little-to-no interest in, like pie and cheerleading. It’s imperative that you are able to carry on an interesting conversation, because you’re not just talking about the things, you’re bonding, schmoozing, and making googly-eyes.
It’s obvious that you need to friend her on Facebook and get her contact information, including AOL Instant Messenger screen name. Be sure to employ communication through these outlets (and maybe even learn a bit on Facebook), but not ad nauseam. You don’t want to look like a stalker.
The Goal-Line Stand
Take your time. Don’t be too forward with that first kiss or get upset if she doesn’t want to hang out Friday night. Take it slow. This is going to be your wife, not just some college girl, so respect the process and enjoy your time getting to know her.
Perhaps one of the most important things you can do when trying to win the heart of a girl is get her friends rooting for you, too. Similar to elementary school, plant the seeds of interest during your conversations with her gal pals. Her friends will adore your pining and just like in 3rd grade, they will tell her what you said.
When you have won over the friends, they will want to help you in any way possible because they want to contribute to a budding relationship. Use them for sneak attacks, like leaving surprises in her room or to get feedback on how your plays are working.
Hook and Laughter
Every woman likes a man who can make her laugh. You must showcase your humor, as it is your most powerful offensive strategy, but also so you can decide if your humor is compatible. However, a word of caution: In the beginning, it’s best to err on the safe side, so no the fart jokes until your relationship is ready for that level.
Reading the Defense
Get to know your woman. Notice what she likes and doesn’t like, the things she compliments, and listen to the things she would like to have, see, or do. In short, become an expert on her and prove your knowledge from time to time through your date planning, gift giving, and day-to-day actions. She’s always singing show tunes? Why not tickets to the theatre? She loves hamburgers? Impress her with your ability to eat a 1 pound burger.
Now, in order to ensure that she will actually marry you, you must no only learn the plays, but you must live the plays, you must BE the plays. The playbook should become a way of life, not something only pulled out on a Friday night in the fall. Take heed from the love-master’s moves and you too will proclaim the victorious glory of a spectacular wife who may just want to live in an RV with you for a year.